Demon Hamster Escapade
by KazeYami
Summary: Alucard has a new child. It's a vampire hamster ... That then creates an army of ghoul hamsters. Chaos Ensues. Cowritten with Moofledeedums


"Demon Hamster Escapade"

-Written by Sleep Remedy and Moofledeedums

- - - - -

Authoress' Note: Um, okay, so this is going on my account, as it was written mostly by me and on my computer. However, the concept and some bits and pieces were written by Stella ((Moofle)) We do pop in often and steal hats, and hearts, and spleans, and other such bodily organs, but our victims are vampires so there's nothing to be worried about! Anyways, hope you enjoy the spazz. Much love, Sleepy.

- - - - -

Alucard was walking leisurely down a dirty fog filled London alleyway, minding his own business and drinking his "cranberry" juice. While walking past an especially nasty smelling dumpster, he heard an intriguing squeak. Curious, he ventured towards the rank dumpster, juice bag dangling from stained fangs and a mischievous look in his eye.

There, behind the dumpster, was a vicious and evil alley cat that had a small and adorable domesticated hamster in it's most evil and demony clutches. Alucard thought that this was most horrible and unfair, so he took it upon himself to punish the cat and punted it across London to the bank of the River Thames on top of the head of a dedicated priest who would have a religious revelation and would soon become known as "That Crazy Apocalypse Guy On Twelfth Street".

"Hello there, unfortunate rodent-type creature," Alucard greeted the dying little fuzz ball of a hamster. "Do you wish to live, Child?" he asked, his eyes glinting evilly. All he got back was a half hearted squeak, but that was good enough for him.

"Perfect..." he purred.

-A Few Hours Later At Hellsing Headquarters-

"I'm afraid you must meet the Master, now, Child," Alucard explained to the limp hamster hanging out of his breast pocket. "I'm sure she will accept you, if you just use your rodent charm upon her," he reassured the non-responsive creature.

"What's that, Alucard?" Miss Integra asked pleasantly (in a surprisingly good mood today), seeing Alucard sitting complacently against the wall as she approached her office. "Have you finally gotten yourself a nice normal pet?" she asked, leaning in closer to get a better look at the little tuft of unmoving fur. "Um... It is alive, isn't it, Alucard?"

"Don't worry, it will be in a moment," he explained, matter-of-factly.

"No," Integra immediately replied.

"What? But, isn't he charming?" Alucard whined, pulling the fur out of his pocket and shaking it about dangerously close to his grimacing employer.

"I don't want a rotting c- ...uh!" Integra broke off as the little tuft of fur came to life and latched onto the tip of her accusing finger.

"See? I told you it wasn't dead. And, luckily, he's not yet strong enough to turn you into a ghoul!" he said happily, obviously happy with himself and his latest creation.

Meanwhile, Integra was shaking her finger viciously, finally dislodging it when she hit it on the back of the chair. Turning to Alucard and rubbing her temples with her uninjured fingers, she said, "Not this time! I will not have that, that, that disgusting disemboweled creature in my home!"

"But... I'll take good care of it," he whined some more, looking over the lip of his orange glasses with pleading blood red eyes, that had the murderous intent of a median behind them ((Sleepy: They were supposed to be puppy dog eyes... -sweat drop- Moofle: WOO! I thought they were cute...Of course...when him and Integra were arguing I kind of stole his hat... x '' )) '...' Alucard thought, looking at his bare head. 'I'll have to take care of that later...'

"humph," Integra harrumphed. "If you..." she struggled to get the words out, "keep it only in your room, then ... I suppose ... you can keep it," she finally gave in to defeat.

"Hooray," Alucard said, non-enthusiastically, yet smiling all the same.

Alucard picked up his unconscious, un-dead hamster and returned triumphant to his room.

:Time Warp:(( Moofle: It's time for a time warp again! -Pelvic thrust- Sleepy: ayah! breaks Moofle's pelvis Never again... Moofle: ;-; Ow... -Alucard comes in- Hey...I think you have my hat.. Moofle: LIES! I DON'T HAVE IT! -She says this while actually wearing the hat upon her head. Sleepy: Oh deary me... Now, I wish I hadn't broken that bony thing of yours... Moofle: ANYWAY! Now I'm just some mush on the ground...with a sexy hat upon my head!))

Alucard sat the little non-healthy looking hamster down on a table in an underground room. "This will be your room for the time being," Alucard explained to the hamster, hands upon his hips as he critically examined the room. "It's a bit small, but I'm sure as you become more useful to the organization, they'll increase the size."

Meanwhile, the hamster was busy lusting after fresh living hamster blood. Alucard didn't take any notice of this. Whether, because he was too caught up in the obscure details of the wall plaster or just didn't feel like dealing with it could be discussed for hours, but I just plain don't feel like it... Anyway.

Integra had also done something in the meantime. She had sent her special messenger bear, Linlay, to inform Alucard of the incoming mission. The bear barreled into the room and began to swing his fluffy paws at Alucard's head and chest, which Alucard easily dodged them.

Oh, yes! And, while all this craziness was going on, Walter wandered in to fill Alucard in on the actual mission, itself, as Linlay could only attack people... ((-another sweat drop-))

"Hello there, Walter. What's the mission today?" Alucard asked, pulling a Matrix move on the bear as he bent his torso at a ninety degree angle.

"Well..." Walter said, only marginally distracted by the twitching hamster on the table and Alucard's amazing and awe-inspiring moves. "I'm afraid there's been an outbreak of ghoul sightings in the Cornish country side and Sir Integra wishes that you would go check up on it."

"Of course! And, in the meantime, I can go and get my hat back," Alucard said to himself more than anything else.

"Oh yes, your hat is missing, isn't it?" Walter asked, pleasantly, not really caring to get involved.(( Moofle:...Walter lies...he's just so full of those lies! Walter: What was that?-Gets out his piano wire, and his glass's get all shiny.- Moofle: um...Oh my. -Moofle runs away- ))

"Alright then, it's time for some fun, eh?" Alucard asked, all ready for some blood letting. "I'll go get the details from the master. You take care of the Child," he said, walking out of the room, leaving behind a panting Linlay and indicating the frothing fur ball on the table.

"Oh dear..." Walter sighed.

:Another Time Warp:  
(( Moofle: Alucard, really, I don't have your hat! A chocobo probably got it or something! Alucard: Mmmhmm...Then what's that on your head! -points accusingly- Moofle:..A...paper bag..? Alucard: LIES! SO FULL OF THE LIE THINGS YOU ARE! Moofle: Caps abuse! ABUSE! -Runs about in a mad panic- ))

Walter sat the un-dead hamster down on the top of his bed spread and looked about, checking to make sure no one was watching. Then, with much stealth, he slipped a big pink box from beneath his bed. He gave a few shifty looks around his room to make sure no one was looking," Okay, looks like it's safe." Walter sighed and took the lid off the box. " There's my little babies!" Walter cooed over the box of hamsters. Walter's magical pink box-o-hamsters was his most closely guarded secret. He was the reputable Angle of Death and the bodyguard/butler and he had an image to keep up! In that way, having his enemies know that he had a deep and loving affinity for little fury creatures such as hamsters wouldn't help him in striking fear into their hearts.

Meanwhile, the hamster that Alucard didn't take good care of (as Walter saw it. He was not yet aware that the creature had the potential to become blood thirsty) was sitting at the door, drooling. Walter looked over at the little ball of joy and raised an eyebrow at this. "Oh, that's right! You must be hungry after all that time Alucard didn't give you any food!" Walter exclaimed and quickly scooped up the mangled fur ball.

Walter fed, played, laughed, cried, and grew old with the hamster. Only not really because this is a fan fiction, not a life story.

"Look at the time!" Walter quickly put the lid back on the box and slid it under his bed again. "I have to go and set out Miss Integra's tea," he said quickly, before running out the door.

This left the vampiric hamster and the innocent hamsters in the box all alone. 'Hmm...well..he never told me not to eat the hamsters,' The demon fluff ball thought to himself. He quickly waddled over to the end of the bed and disappeared under it.

'Well...here's the box that Walter had cooed over!' He nudged the lid off of the box and looked at all the unsuspecting little hamsters. They looked up at him with sleepy eyes and sniffed at him." Why hello there my darling meals!" The hamster screeched before jumping into the box. (( Moofle: Okay...Well...there's a big gory mess happening in there! Those poor hamsters never stood a chance! ))

Walter walked into his room and instantly knew something was wrong. For one, the sick looking hamster wasn't anywhere to be seen, and secondly there were bloody paw prints all over the room.'Bloody paw prints..?' Then it dawned on him that his little hamsters could be hurt! Walter rushed to his bed and pulled the box from under the bed. What he saw in that box would scar him for the rest of his life!

In that box there were little hamster ghouls." NOOO!" Walter cried out and dropped the box, horrified. For a moment, he simply stood stock still with his hands over his face listening to ghostly little squeaky groans. Then, he decided: He would not stand for this...

Yet Another Time Warp

((Sleepy: Moofle ran away, so... I suppose this interlude belongs to I, the one-eyed Bandit of Doomy Clouds! Woohoo! runs off into the corner of her isolation tank to get all nasty and damp, grow some tasty mushrooms on her back, and brush her voodoo doll's luscious locks))

Alucard was relaxing in his underground room, his chair standing on two legs, while his feet rested on the table's immaculate surface. The powerful midian was still missing his hat and his glasses sat on the other side of the table while his long red-black overcoat hung from the back of his chair. He was looking and feeling very relaxed, when his reverie was broken. ((Sleepy: appears out of secret underground tunnel situated beneath the table and snatches glasses Alucard: twitch ))

With a deafening bang, Walter barged into the room, his eyes hidden behind the glare of his circular glasses.

"Hello there, Walter," Alucard said pleasantly, looking over the Angel of Death through a side-glance. "Something wrong?" he chuckled to himself.

"Where is that... petulant Creature?" Walter spat at Alucard, while pulling so hard on his piano wire that Alucard heard the quiet twang of small bits of twine snapping.

"My newest child, do you mean?" Alucard asked, suddenly happily interested in the conversation.

"Yes..." Walter hissed.

"No, I haven't seen him... Did he ... misbehave, Walter?" Alucard asked, stressing the last few words.

However, Walter didn't have the patience to humor Alucard today and quickly stalked off in the opposite direction of Alucard's lair.

"Oh dear..." Alucard sighed. But, being the indifferent and all powerful midian vampire that he was, he soon became disinterested in his own vague worry and decided to entertain himself with a new pouch of "cranberry" juice.

-Meanwhile, some great elsewhere in the headquarters-

"Oh, little hamster vampire monster..." Walter sing-songed. "Where are you...?"

However, the little creature had gained enough intelligence not to come out from his hiding place within the wood. The creepy new shiny quality of Walter's glasses completely obliterated the trust, and maybe even perhaps love for the man. ((Sleepy: Wah! Beastiality, BEASTIALITY!)) He thought that, perhaps, he would just stay right where he was.

"Hm?" Walter grunted, staring intently at a certain spot on the wall to the right of him. "Aha!" he yelled, throwing his wire with an inhuman strength and shattering the centuries old stone, throwing the little fuzz ball into the air, squeaking and squalling. "And, where do you think you're going?" he yelled, pinning the mammal to the wall with yet another strand of steel string.

"I WILL HAVE NONE OF THIS!" a voice bellowed from the shadowed depths of the hallway.

"Eh?" Walter grunted, pausing.

"What's that?" Alucard asked, his head popping out of the door to his room at a ninety degree angle.

"I said, 'I will have none of this nonsensical nonsense!'" Miss Integra shouted, coming out from the shadows and standing in full war dress, her special mercury shell pistol cocked and ready to fire at the little rabid creature in Walter's wire.

"Noooo!" Alucard cried, as he appeared out of a pool of darkness and snatched up the twitchy little fur ball. "I had entrusted him to Walter, so it is not a fault of mine that he escaped," Alucard explained away, snuggling the hamster.

"I do not care why he escaped. I will not forgive the fact that there are rodent ghouls inside the Hellsing compound! That thing must be eradicated!" she yelled, becoming more infuriated. ((Sleepy: Oh dear. I hope her hand isn't too tensed up. That is a danger, children!))

"Ghouls?" Alucard questioned, staring innocently. Then, turning to the suffocating bundle in his hands, he said, "You learn AND work quickly, Child."

"I SHALL NOT TOLERATE IT!" Miss Integra yelled, shooting off five rounds of mercury explosion shells at the hamster, but having them disappear into small shoots of darkness.

"NOOOoooo! I love him, now!" he yelled, snuggling the blue hamster some more.

"And, you didn't love him before?" she asked, momentarily distracted.

"No, but I came to see the beauty in him," he said, squeezing the gasping rodent further.

"Mmmhmm..." she grunted at him, giving him a skeptical look.

"Yes, we have fallen deeply in love," he sighed.

"Well, that's too bad, seeing as the creature seems fairly squished, now," she said, heartlessly, indicating the creature lying lifeless in Alucard's hands.

"Oh dear..." Walter sighed, truly feeling bad for Alucard. ((Sleepy: But, but, but... You were gonna kill him before Alucard squishied him!))

Alucard sniffed. First, he lost his hat. Then, he lost his glasses. Now, he lost his favorite little hamster pet-child. He had nothing left... "Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!"

The End?


End file.
